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08 February 2010 @ 07:15 pm

It's almost 7 p.m. At the kitchen just a few minutes ago, I was crying over the sink.

This morning I texted Ira: Alam mo, I’m having better mornings.

Big mistake. I should’ve known. Most things that I pretend to not know I already know. I only lie to myself. Once I take notice of something good and share it with someone I somehow jinx it. Then it goes back to what it was. It’s somewhat like what my younger brother told me more than a year ago: Every time something good comes to me, one way or the other it’s taken away.

07 February 2010 @ 02:49 pm

It’s often difficult for me to get up, even if my mind already tells me I’m awake and should get up, because I always want to go back to sleep to continue a dream I was having. I usually find my dreams interesting.

Clea and Hermes.Collapse )

26 January 2010 @ 03:28 pm

Did I ever tell you why I didn’t want you to ride a motorcycle in Baguio (aside from because the terrain there is tricky)? If I didn’t, well, here it is: My father had a motorcycle when I was younger. I was too young to remember, in fact, that I have completely no recollection of when he had a terrible accident that almost destroyed half of his face, affecting his eyesight most of all. He was a speed demon, my uncle says.

Most of my fears are rooted in things that I have no tangible hold of, and I know how I tend to include all of mankind in my worries and hopes. I know how I was too tight on you and I understand everyday how someone would want to distance himself from me because I’m too neurotic, cloying, and intense.

Dumaguete is lovely. How can I say this… for the past seven months all I ever really felt was sadness… sadness that we’ve come to this state of not communicating like we used to. And there was anger. And yet, yesterday on my first day here I kept thinking how much I want to call you and tell you how I like this place. How, you were so right on in your description of this city… you may know it’s because of how much joy I saw in your eyes when you were describing your days here that my yearning to visit this place became so fierce, and at first I wanted to experience Dumaguete with you, and then it became something that I just really wanted to do even on my own.

You are so accepting and kind, and me… my default reaction to almost everything is anger and denial, and I can see how that could have flipped something off in you, like a switch, and for the past seven months all I really wanted to know was how I could get you to like me again, because… I like you, always will. And I know, I know, I should move on and all, right?

I was on a motorbike for the most part of yesterday, my uncle was driving, and this was how my fear of moving objects came back to me, how that vague memory of my father’s accident came up, and how I was reminded of you, again and again and again. It was about half an hour of riding around the city when I relaxed my grip on my uncle’s shoulders, when I knew, though not for sure, that I was going to be OK.

And it was in that first instance when we were passing by the sea, wind on my face, that I thought, maybe I should call you and tell you I think I’ll be OK with you riding a motorcycle (because it really is exhilirating), and even if I know my opinion does not matter anymore, I had this intuition that things are going to be OK.

I didn’t have the guts to call you though, and this is why I’m writing this now. And I really hope you get to read this, because the more important thing I wanted to say is, Thank you, Dumaguete is awesome indeed.

14 January 2010 @ 11:56 pm
"All of us have had the experience of a sudden joy that came when nothing in the world had forewarned us of its coming -- a joy so thrilling that even if it was born of misery, we remembered even the misery with tenderness." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Wind, Sand and Stars
01 January 2010 @ 04:46 pm
"Most people have learned how to live in the moment. The argument goes that if the past has uncertain effect on the present, there is no need to dwell on the past. And if the present has little effect on the future, present actions need not be weighed for their consequence. Rather, each act is an island in time, to be judged on its own. Families comfort a dying uncle not because of a likely inheritance, but because he is loved at that moment...Clerks trampled by their bosses fight back at each insult, with no fear for their future. It is a world of impulse. It is a world of sincerity. It is a world in which every word spoken speaks just to that moment, every glance given has only one meaning, each touch has no past or future, each kiss is a kiss of immediacy." -- Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman

I read this book for the second time last night, a few hours before the New Year came. Best decision I made last night. <3

Thanks to Drea and Kate for lending me the book, it's beautiful... (-:

Anyway, Happy New Year all. Best lessons from 2009: 1) just continue giving 2) always struggle away from apathy 3) things do get better 4) even if you're not looking, the universe is at work, so relax.

It's my hope that I can write something really happy the soonest time, I miss being really happy, I hear it misses me, too... So, yes, cheering up is always in progress. Thank you to everyone who made 2009 the awful year that it was. <3 (dictionary says that awful can also mean 'possesses incredible beauty').

Here's to hope. (-:
12 December 2009 @ 02:01 pm
So there was this major breakup incident last July and somehow after all the wallowing I decided, why not take French classes, it is after all something I've always wanted to try. Also, it was part of the whole "moving on, distracting myself, focusing on the good stuff, learning something new" stage of, well, recovering.

Anyways, I enrolled last September (classes were supposed to start late October). The days between September and supposed first day of classes I was honestly honestly giddy-excited, I don't believe I have ever been that excited about something in the last few years. Classes actually started second week of November and I had high expectations, this is my problem though, I expect too much from life in general that most of the time I am only really setting myself up for disappointment. It's just that my mindset is always, it won't hurt to hope for the best... I believe this so much to the point where I fail to at least anticipate that things might not exactly go as I have expected them to.

I will go far as saying that yes, the classes are fun, I especially like our instructor, Solenn. She's pretty and she dresses well. One of the things I look forward to every TTh is what her outfit will be. She often wears this cute black rose hair accessory that really looks good on her. When I look at her clothes I imagine her meticulously picking them out from her closet but also there's this "oh what the hell it doesn't really matter what I wear today" feel to them, my point is that she manages to look good either way. Plus, she's very patient with her students.

I also like the composition of my classmates, we come from various backgrounds and our age gaps aren't that close, (my youngest classmate is 19 and the oldest is around 50 [I'm 28]) which is a welcome change in my life whatever that means.

It's just that, I'm really not a people person and lately I've been asking myself "Am I really enjoying?" I don't look forward to when we are supposed to read out loud, heck, I melt at the mere thought of talking or even opening my mouth to let out a sound, what more if I were asked to participate in role playing presentations, talking in French? I know the whole point of these classes is to learn and enjoy by actually talking in French and I see where my lack of focus and commitment to some things will take me, and that is, nowhere. So far I've had three absences because of the affliction of Not Being Able to Get Out of Bed. Plus, the routine of my Tuesday and Thursday kind of got to me and proceeded to give me these little "I'm trapped with a routine!" panick attacks. Unfortunately this is how my system was made. I expressly got the 9 am - 11 am sessions so that I would have a reason to get up early but what it did is give me more reason to stay in bed because I always feel persecuted in the mornings, I don't know why. Pshaw.

And I can just see my future self laughing at Myself Now--haha, you wasted money again on something you thought you wanted but ended up getting sick of. Not that I would mind though, I mean, I accept that this is me and all that is left to do is just to make the most out of the last two sessions.

This reminds me of our travel agent and how her being in the same office with the same phone number for the last four years freaked me out. And I mean, disturbed me in a way that was hard to deal with. So, last month my mother asked me to contact Ms Myra for some questions and I told Ma, last time I talked with Ms Myra was late 2005, I doubt if that's still her phone number or if she even works at the same office. So Ma told me, 'just find a way to reach her'. So I looked for my old ticket from my 2006 travel and found the old contact details there. So I dialed the number, expecting to not reach her, because It Has Been Four Years. But OMG, she was there. Same phone number, same office, same local extension, same all. And it freaked me out how someone can stay in one place for four years. This is how I'm made, I freak out at people who stay in one place for that long. Something is wrong with me I should really see a therapist one of these days.
28 November 2009 @ 01:12 pm
So last night I dreamt that it was my wedding (or someone else's, I forget now, just that I was wearing a gown) and that I ate all the cake. I even kept tab of the tables wherein the cake was almost never touched and made a mental note to eat those later. (Each table had a cake of its own.)

I eat everything now, and sleep way too much. Story of my life.

So far I've missed two sessions of French class, six more to go and... I'm happy during and after each class, but it's the time before going to class when my laziness kicks in. I just have to get out of bed and everything's going to be OK. This is an established fact I choose to ignore every goddamn morning (or noon).

Anyways, does anyone else think that You Don't Mess with the Zohan is a bit gross? (Dave Matthews is there though, that's why I watched it, seeing him is always fun, even if he's just talking; that drawl = heaven.)
05 November 2009 @ 05:59 pm
Why my Kuya is awesome.Collapse )
19 October 2009 @ 12:07 pm

My friend Tiki recently told me this story of people he met at a conference in Singapore and I'd like to share it with you.

On the first day of the conference he sat way back the hall where he found himself in the company of "people who looked quite Black." So they got to talking and Tiki learned that they (a man and a woman) are Fijians.

"Wow, my grandparents used to live there!" Tiki said. So the woman asked for his grandparents' names, after Tiki gave her the names, she said: "Oh my God, your grandmother is famous in Fiji."

"She saved my daughter's life. She took care of her. I will always be thankful for your grandma."

Of course Tiki was so bowled over that he cried. Tiki's grandma was a pediatrician and she lived in Fiji for most of her life, she died a couple of years ago.

Upon coming home to the Philippines, Tiki told his grandpa (who now lives here) the story and he said this actually made his grandpa perk up, well of course he had been really sad after his wife's death.

Tiki said, "I could have sat somewhere else, but I chose to sit there, and these people became my friends. Of all people, of all places, wow."

I told him, I have this image of God moving us around like chess pieces. You know, so there's this giant hand and well, because He knows everything, He kind of picks up one person and puts him in front of a certain person who may be an enemy or loved one or simply someone he ought to meet, and then when things go well God will have this silly smile on His face and He'll go "Aaah, there ya go."

Well sometimes He puts us in a position where we feel like we are bludgeoned to death and then one day we find that Oh Hey I didn't die, and I feel better. What I'm saying is, I really believe there's a force larger than us and I'd like to imagine it as a giant hand and the entity Who it belongs to has some Master Plan and at the end of every chess game His goal is always to have that smile on His face, "Aaah, there ya go."

Yes we make our own decisions and all that, but sometimes it wouldn't hurt to believe that things do happen for a reason.

It's always a fine time when it's spent with Tiki, he is one of my best friends and well, I like sharing stories with him and that night when he shared this story with me I couldn't help but further my belief of The Giant Hand.

That night The Giant Hand put me right beside Tiki, in a Starbucks, and made me hear that story of his grandma and the Fijians, and well, it made life just a little bit bearable. So, thank you Giant Hand.

"Aaah, there ya go."

An excerpt from Burroughs’s essay collection “Possible Side Effects.”Collapse )
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